so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
