I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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