I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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