im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
