I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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