Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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