I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
