My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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