i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
