life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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