Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
