His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
