I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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