it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
