are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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