i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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