i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
