Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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