i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I supernannyed him into submission
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize