She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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