my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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