I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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