A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
