This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
