remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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