i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
