Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
