Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
