I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
