yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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