You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
