I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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