Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
