I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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