for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
