My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
