So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Randomize