Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize