This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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