just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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