Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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