i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize