when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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