Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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