life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
