how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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