i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
