Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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