Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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