You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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