I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
