spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
