If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
