i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
