i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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