I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
